"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out." ~ Anton Chekhov
Friends, I'm kind of over it.
I have this recurring dream where I don't do something I'm supposed to do or I sleep through my alarm and miss church and they fire me. So, sleep can be rare around here because I'm paranoid about missing my alarm and when I do finally fall asleep, I keep having this crazy nightmare because apparently my subconscious is REALLY worried that I'm not doing what I need to be doing...and I really like my job and I want to do it well, so that stupid nightmare is really messing with me. Sigh.
I got really excited when the first piece of mail came with my name on it, even though it was a bill. However, when I realized that the more mail I got the smaller my bank account got, I quickly got over being excited about the mail.
I don't know how me being one person that spends a good bit of her time somewhere besides her house makes such a mess. I mop/sweep/wipe down counters/vacuum/do laundry at least once a week and still...everything seems dirty. All the time.
Today, while doing laundry I dropped the fabric softener and I'm not really sure how much spilled into the washer, but I do know how much was on the wall and the floor and me...after a shower I can still smell it.
And for the first time since I got here I am a completely heartbroken kind of homesick. I miss my family. I miss my mom's pep talks and looking at new music on Amazon with my dad and bickering with Brandon. I miss being comfortable in my surroundings. I miss being around people that I share a past with, people I know and who know me.
And to make matters worse, I ran out of Nilla Wafers.
Don't misunderstand me, I AM happy here. After all, if I didn't like it here I probably wouldn't be so worried about getting fired. I am surrounded by truly lovely people who have been nothing but kind to me, who are constantly inviting me to do things, and who are everything you want people to be. No one has yelled at me or told me that I'm doing a bad job. In fact most of the time they have been nothing but complimentary and excited about the things I suggest...even when I get confused, they have given me grace. I am still working on remembering names, so no, we don't know each other yet and we don't share a story...but we're writing a new story together and that is exciting. I am blessed to have a job and to work with and for people that are so nice to me. I can't say this with absolute certainty...but I'm pretty sure they won't fire me this week.
Yes, adult responsibilities like bills are a real bummer, but I have money to pay those bills.
Dirt and dust happens and it gives me something to do on Fridays and Saturdays.
My clothes will smell REALLY good. Maybe too good. I may have to wash them again because the scent will be too strong and my throat will start closing up and my nose will start running and my eyes will start watering...but I can wash them again without much effort.
I have talked to my mom twice today...mostly about the fabric softener incident. As much as I wish people would suddenly appear at my doorstep and visit every weekend, it's not going to happen. My family can't come all the time. My friends can't come all the time. As an introvert, you'd think I'd be excited about the alone time. I suppose I thought people would be able to visit more regularly...but I know how crazy busy life is and if people suddenly knocked on my door today, I'd be really embarrassed because it's almost noon and I'm still in my PJs. Still, I have to work on not being disappointed when people can't come.
I read this in Relevant this week in a timely article about moving to a new city:
Today, while doing laundry I dropped the fabric softener and I'm not really sure how much spilled into the washer, but I do know how much was on the wall and the floor and me...after a shower I can still smell it.
And for the first time since I got here I am a completely heartbroken kind of homesick. I miss my family. I miss my mom's pep talks and looking at new music on Amazon with my dad and bickering with Brandon. I miss being comfortable in my surroundings. I miss being around people that I share a past with, people I know and who know me.
And to make matters worse, I ran out of Nilla Wafers.
Don't misunderstand me, I AM happy here. After all, if I didn't like it here I probably wouldn't be so worried about getting fired. I am surrounded by truly lovely people who have been nothing but kind to me, who are constantly inviting me to do things, and who are everything you want people to be. No one has yelled at me or told me that I'm doing a bad job. In fact most of the time they have been nothing but complimentary and excited about the things I suggest...even when I get confused, they have given me grace. I am still working on remembering names, so no, we don't know each other yet and we don't share a story...but we're writing a new story together and that is exciting. I am blessed to have a job and to work with and for people that are so nice to me. I can't say this with absolute certainty...but I'm pretty sure they won't fire me this week.
Yes, adult responsibilities like bills are a real bummer, but I have money to pay those bills.
Dirt and dust happens and it gives me something to do on Fridays and Saturdays.
My clothes will smell REALLY good. Maybe too good. I may have to wash them again because the scent will be too strong and my throat will start closing up and my nose will start running and my eyes will start watering...but I can wash them again without much effort.
I have talked to my mom twice today...mostly about the fabric softener incident. As much as I wish people would suddenly appear at my doorstep and visit every weekend, it's not going to happen. My family can't come all the time. My friends can't come all the time. As an introvert, you'd think I'd be excited about the alone time. I suppose I thought people would be able to visit more regularly...but I know how crazy busy life is and if people suddenly knocked on my door today, I'd be really embarrassed because it's almost noon and I'm still in my PJs. Still, I have to work on not being disappointed when people can't come.
I read this in Relevant this week in a timely article about moving to a new city:
"When you're sick from the emotional roller coaster of moving, almost broke because you didn't budget for a security deposit and hundreds of miles away from anyone who knows you intimately, it's the perfect time for the Lord to refine your
character.
Because in this transitional place, you are naked, raw and moldable. In a move, our outside world is changing like crazy but our inside world is too. There's a 99% chance God will expose the places and the people you've put your security in before, then lead you to greater dependence on Him. This doesn't mean your circumstances are magically going to get better. What it does mean is that you'll be a different person who's learned how to trust God in real life."
Thanks Relevant for punching me in the gut with that truth.
I think the reason it became hard now after almost a month is that this life of mine is not all shiny and new anymore...it's becoming routine. It's officially hitting me that I'm not in Georgia anymore and this is not summer camp or just a temporary thing, it's reality and every day. This is my life and it is a pretty darn amazing one with too many blessings for me to count...but it is different...and that's okay. My parents and friends had to go back to Georgia, but God did not and I am not alone.
So, maybe I'll keep giving this adulthood thing a shot...even if it wears me out, I have a really comfortable couch to take a nap on. :)
Oh, and Wal-Mart is just down the road, so the Nilla Wafer situation will be remedied before the day is over.
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