Happiness Happened Here

If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love

If it doesn't break your heart, it's not enough,

It's when you're breaking down with your insides coming out

That's when you find out what your heart is made of...

- Switchfoot's "Yet"

Well, it finally happened. I knew it was coming. The breakdown. The point when it all just became too much, when the stress had finally built up to such a point that it came out in the form of tears streaming down my cheeks and snot running out of my nose. The point when reality set in and that reality scared me.

A few days ago marked the one month mark...one month until I pack my last few bags, load 'em up, move 6 hours away from home, and start a new job. Many people because they are curious/kind/excited etc. have been asking me about how I feel about the big move. I usually answer with, "Uhhh..." My feelings are complicated to explain. I feel incredibly blessed that I will have a job doing something that I love doing and something that I believe God created me to do. I am excited. In some ways, I am so ready to go and in other ways, I am so...not. I am really nervous. I am really scared. I am really going to miss home. 

We are currently trying to get the power and such turned on in my new digs so that I can move part of my stuff next weekend (July 5-7). It is turning into an ordeal and as my mom was asking me about it last night, I shut down. A few hours later she came into the living room and before I could stop myself lots of words started pouring out of my mouth...here are a few examples:

"I know you're going to miss me, but you're only losing one person...I'm leaving everyone I know."  

"I have take things one day at a time. I'm so stressed and I don't even realize it. Look at my face! It is all broken out. It's from the stress."

Basically, I said lots of silly stuff...but it was the truth that was on my heart. However, one not-so-silly thing that came out of my mouth nearly as fast as the tears streaming out of my eyes, was this, "I'm glad it hurts."

Here's the truth...bold, in your face, not holding anything back...right now, there's a hellish sort of hurt going on inside of me. It hurts like crazy. I am on the verge of tears at practically every moment. When one of the sweet faces of one of the sweet children here at the church looks up and smiles at me, tears threaten to fall. When Brandon is slightly less annoying than usual, tears threaten to fall. When I look at the stacks of boxes in my room, tears threaten to fall. When I think about the people and places I am going to miss, tears threaten to fall.

I believe that humans are complex creatures. We can feel a million things at one time. I am excited about the changes on the horizon, but that doesn't make it any easier to leave. It's a hellish sort of hurt because something heavenly went on here. Something beautiful and happy and lovely. Something that is totally worthy of me missing it. Something that is totally worthy of a little heart break, because if it doesn't break your heart...it isn't love. I have loved this life, these people, and this place that I call home. I had a beautiful beginning here. It was a blessed beginning. However, it was just a beginning...the story continues...for all of the characters. My story is going to continue separate from some of its current characters and that's sad because it's been a really good story thus far...but I wholeheartedly believe that it will still be a good story for us all. 

In this case, I don't think my fragility is a sign of weakness. Rather, I think it shows a certain type of strength. I suppose I could push all my feelings aside and pretend that this doesn't hurt. However, I think if I did so, it would be a disservice to the amazing things in my life. Sure, there are moments when I am in fact breaking down and my insides are coming out...but it is just because for so long, my heart has been happy here. So, I'm going to let it hurt and remember that it only hurts because happiness, love, and joy happened here.