Older and Hopefully Wiser: Birthday Reflections

Once the clock strikes 5:42 PM today, I am solidly in my late 20's. And unless something just downright magical and miraculous happens between now and then, my life doesn't really look like I thought it would at 27. When I was little and dreamed of being this age, I figured there'd be a husband, kids, and lots of money. The reality is that I have a cat, I borrow kids a couple times a week (which seems to be all I can handle), and a very tight budget. I'll admit, sometimes I look at my life and I'm a little disappointed. That's the thing with dreams though, even if they had come true the reality is that with a husband comes disagreements and squabbles, kids wake up early and have dirty diapers and need to be fed and helped with homework, and spending lots of money wisely is as complicated as spending a little money wisely. When dreaming, we tend to ignore reality...but the white picket fence typically comes with a mortgage. 

"We are the living souls with terminal hearts, terminal parts.

Flickering like candles, we're fatally flawed, in the image of God"

- Jon Foreman (lyrics to a new song seen on Instagram)

Lately, it seems everywhere I look I've seen constant reminders that things on this side of heaven aren't perfect and aren't meant to last forever. Everything and everyone is terminal. 

Last week, hospice was called in for my grandmother. She's 96. She's lived a long life, but her body is tired and it's giving up. 

All of the cars in my family are making weird noises and lights are coming on, warning us that after over a decade of wear and tear, it may be time for us to be looking for new modes of transportation. 

My grandmother's days are numbered. My car's days are numbered. My days are numbered. 

Because my days are numbered, I want to make each and every one of them count. 

I've spent a lot of time lamenting what hasn't happened. It's as though I've been sitting around twiddling my thumbs, waiting for my story to start. New chapters begin and other chapters find their ending, but my story started 27 years ago. I don't know how many pages and chapters are left...it could by many, it might be only a few. When one of my new chapters was starting and I was interviewing for my job in Americus, one of the committee members asked me if I had a 5 year plan. I laughed and said not really. I have been a planner my entire life and I won't lie and say that I still don't love a carefully thought out plan. However, I've stopped thinking too far ahead about the future, because God tends to surprise me. After I laughed during my interview, I said that my goal was to be where God wanted me doing what God wants me to do. Whether it be 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months, or 5 years from now in whatever situation I find myself in, I want to find contentment in wherever God leads me and whatever I'm doing. I hope that I don't focus on any dream or goal so stubbornly, that I miss the beauty in my life. When you're so caught up in watching your dreams die, you miss the things God is building, strengthening, and growing in your life. My life isn't what I expected it would be, but I'm grateful for the messy, mysterious, magical, marvelous thing that it is. In the movie 500 Days of Summer there's a scene where one of the characters is describing his perfect woman, which as it turns out looks nothing like his wife/girlfriend (can't remember which). In the end he says that she is better than anything he ever imagined or dreamed...because she's real. When I let my imagination run free, I can come up with a grandiose sort of life for myself, but when I am really honest, the life I have is better than what I imagined. This year, I want to live each day with my eyes wide open so that I can see just how blessed my little simple life is. I'm sure this year will bring unexpected surprises. I'm sure this year will bring some heartache and happiness. But whatever it brings, I'm just really grateful for each and every day. Take it from someone who is now older and hopefully a little wiser, life is precious and I'm really glad God gave me this one. Hope you're grateful for yours, too.